Tell me why I need things to pass me by until I realize I had feelings? And that while I’m feeling actual emotions I don’t know if the feelings I have are valid?
Why am I such a loser in love.
tell me how I’m supposed to remember YOUR choreo, remember the choreo to teach others, remember formations and blocking, remember choreo for the two other dance teams I’m a part of, work on my 2 papers and remember to do speaker evals for my 3rd class?!?!?!
I really need to learn to say no more often. I always start off thinking it won’t be too bad and then I get way in over my head with things. Remember when life was simple? I don’t.
In the past couple of weeks, nothing has been more dismaying than to realize that there are some people you just cannot trust. As a naturally trusting person, I find it hard to understand that just because there is a concerned face, a ‘how are you doing’ inquiry and a comforting pat doesn’t mean someone is necessarily on your side. People protect their own. And unfortunately in some social situations people still very much act like they’re in high school.
I’m also flabbergasted by how some people could just BE an awful person and not have karma return the favor. Or maybe the karma is the fact that they think they’re finding happiness but they might have a difficult road ahead… or something. I don’t even know.
Just - don’t take me as a fool. I may be wide-eyed and trusting, but I know a thing or two about the psyche. Don’t try to play me for a fool because I know what’s up.
I’ve always been better at self-expression under some sort of veil. And since this whole ‘Mercury in retrograde’ shiznit is giving me a decently hard time (and I’m sure for many people), this is the perfect opportunity to come back to this tumblr.
I am, more often than not, hopeful about society. (I know this seems like a grand, sweeping, generalizing statement, but bear with me.) I like giving people the benefit of the doubt, playing devil’s advocate just in case my friend’s may have gone ahead and jumped to conclusions.
But when things like this happen, things where it is inexplicably someone’s blatant wrong-doing, it becomes difficult to inject some of that faith back in. In which case - are there REALLY some people that have no principles? How can someone - nay - a “friend" blindsight a friend like that? And in an even more dismaying realization - why does it keep happening to me?
Over the past week and a half I’ve told myself countless things that do little to make me feel better about the whole situation. I’ve told myself that I would much rather prefer the position I am currently in, which is true, but it doesn’t remove the pain from the equation in any way. And thinking about how people can go around doing things of the like to others just gets me all riled up all over again. (Injustices, libran…it all makes sense.)
What is even more dismaying is seeing the people that cause me pain every night. There IS no time or distance offered in this equation. Unless I quit (which I refuse to, at least not in the middle of everything), I will always be faced with reminders of my inadequacy, of the injustice, of the betrayal. So, while i’m trying to diplomatically and accurately deal with this situation in public, I’m also dealing with the inner turmoils of the situation, as well as of the anticipated repercussions of this whole situation. The worst part is it’s affecting my overall interactions because everything I do or say gets colored by how I feel, especially when I know those two people are in the vicinity.
I guess I just wish karma had my back every once in awhile.
And if you’re about to think of this as a petty post and a petty problem, I beg you to remember the last time you felt reallyyyy crappy. And then think about how much you needed your mind to grasp the issue before you could move on.
Having a little bit of an existential crisis at the moment. And I’m sure a lot of people ultimately go through this, but I have never really had one hit me during one car ride home.
I’m just going to let writing style and grammar go out the window for a hot second. Because all these thoughts of mine are so fragmented, at this point there are only vestiges of rational thinking left.
What am I actually good at in this life? Why am I so passively going through the motions and living on the safe side? I know it’s all within my power to change it but…instead…I sleep (Ingrid Michaelson spits truth). Why do I do nothing with myself? Why is everything such a blur? Why am I constantly ‘friend-zone’d just because I act like myself?
There’s a lot that goes on and a lot that has affected me from my childhood that I feel like people underestimate/overlook because I joke around 90% of the time. But sometimes it’s the safest and most fitting mask I can find to hide it all.
And this is not a pity post. This is a “I don’t give a flying f**k because it’s late and I need some form of therapy” post.
I need to feel free again. I felt like my high point was all of the first half of the year in 2011. Now, it’s almost dismaying how easily little things chip away at my already non-existant self-esteem. Take it from someone who used to think her superpower was invisibility, because it was THAT easy to fly under the radar and not get noticed. It certainly helped with things like not participating in class (whether it’s because I hadn’t read for class or because I didn’t feel like sharing my thoughts)… but in instances where you just wish you could acknowledged a little more it’s definitely problematic.
Despite being super busy and moving from one social circle to the next, I feel so very lost. I don’t have that spark anymore - maybe it’s just my sickness, but I’m trying so hard to get it back but I feel like I just go through the motions.
I’m at that point where I hate being home again. Because I feel like I’m constantly being judged/reprimanded for whatever hectic schedule I have. And I try my best to appease everyone but clearly it isn’t working out.
I also don’t feel like I have the energy to deal with anything in my life. I feel like my mental capacities are significantly lowered and my emotional energy is slowly being depleted.
I don’t know how to get out.
Imma just be real for a quick minute here. And this is in no way a post to show off about how much I have going on in my life because as ‘fruitful’ as what I’m doing sounds and as MUCH as I am thankful for the opportunities I’ve been given, it bugs me when people don’t seem to understand the full extent to which I am ACTUALLY incapable of having much time for them, let alone for myself.
My lightest schedule (and this is me on a good week) includes having regular rehearsals three times a week, with three days of 4-hour classes dispersed between these practice days. Time leftover is spent working on school projects/readings.
The past month or so, on top of that existing schedule, I’ve had to add practice dates for a separate dance project on Saturday and Sunday in the mornings, and including small travel time and other things, the rest of Saturday is spent finishing homework, and the rest of Sunday is spent doing what I can before practice at night.
I also decided to do a quick, low-key performance with Ferosha for Battle of the Pledges, which means other practices, even though Ferosha is the most low key thing ever, which I deeply appreciate. In fact, I feel like a slacker on Ferosha, if that’s even possible. But it IS time spent.
Sprinkle in some dress rehearsals that last a good portion of the nights I don’t have regular rehearsal and I basically do not have any time whatsoever to do any of my homework or to see many people. My multitasking abilities have increased ten-fold. ON top of that I’m sleep-deprived and cranky. And I am SO thankful GRV hell weeks haven’t begun.
Yes, this schedule is self-inflicted. I have definitely done this to myself and although I wish I could say I should’ve seen it coming, but my inability to say no has allowed me to think I would be able to manage everything. But people need to stop giving me crap for not hanging out with them or seeing them enough because while I appreciate that you care enough about me (yay for not being invisible!..) to care that you haven’t seen me, the little snide remarks here and there don’t help any. You complain about not seeing me, but I’m the one that is suffering the heavy schedule and stress from constantly running around. I’m trying my best to accomodate with everything to make sure I still spend what I think is a reasonable amount of time (even if it means a few minutes of face-time) with people, that I simply cannot give anymore.
It also doesn’t help my attitude towards things and dance in particular when all I hear from my family are either passive aggressive remarks like “I trust you are spending time with your sister” and “I assume you are spending enough time studying and can manage your dancing” or straight-up remarks of annoyance “can’t wait till your performance is over” or “when is *insert performance here* over with?”.
I’m trying the best that I can. I’m trying to handle my ish. I wish you would just trust me.
This post is happening not because I’m upset. I just have a few things I have on my mind that have come as either revelations or observations.
1. On the self:
Despite the fact that I merrily make my way through the day 99.9% of the days appreciating my independence and greatly enjoying my downtime alone, a part of me feels like I really AM doomed to be single for a long, long while. And I have no one else to blame but myself, because I like to stay busy. I like having a bajillion things going on for me at once. I like feeling like I barely have time to breathe, partially because it makes me enjoy the downtimes that I have (which are few and far between) a lot more special. It also makes me prioritize things and time manage better. But am I sure it’s not because I deliberately yet unconsciously avoid being vulnerable BY staying busy? I am not. On to the next.
2. On dance:
I’ve realized over the past few months that dance is, in comparison to other art forms, probably the most masochistic art form there is.
Side note: I’m not trying to knock the other art forms. I thought I would be a budding musician in high school myself, but of course I would choose the more masochistic art form. -.-
Dancers go and take challenging classes. In those classes, the choreographer, more often than not, teaches quickly and then splits the students up into small groups, during which dancers have to dance outside of their box. They have to be comfortable with messing up in front of several people. As a society that still cringes in the face of failure, we put ourselves up to the challenge of not only getting the moves right, but dancing it well, and dancing it in front of an audience. I mean, we’ve all blanked out before. It’s not the most comfortable feeling in the world. But we take class because we want to.
Dancers try out for teams. They learn choreography that they have to perfect and dance it in front of a whole panel of judges, on top of other auditionees or friends of auditonees who are just there to watch/judge (but in the nicest way possible). With so much hanging in the balance, no matter how nervous we feel or how much we feel like we will mess up or blank on choreography, we force ourselves to go through those 40 seconds. Because we want to.
Dancers on teams also have to ‘cast’ for pieces in order to be in the piece for the set. It’s another repeated cycle of auditioning for a team, except this time, not only is it important for dancers to make pieces, some, if not most, also look out for where they are placed in formation. Those who have practiced tirelessly may still be placed in the back. But we force ourselves to push harder, regardless of the results we are getting. Because we want to.
On top of all of these factors, dancers are often plagued with the fear of complacency. Of inferiority. Of self-doubt. There are some dancers who constantly have to seek praise to know for themselves that they are good. There are some dancers who never feel like they are anywhere close to good enough when compared to the people around them. And there are dancers who may go home every night after class or practice feeling dejected because they feel like the weakest dancer of all.
And yet, we continue to take classes to grow. We continue to try out for teams. We continue to push ourselves because that is what we know. Dance requires us to physically push our emotional mind and our bodies outside our comfort zone; it requires us to be resilient and to work harder despite the critiques, despite the feelings of inadequacy and despite working so hard yet feeling like the worst dancer out there.
But of course, as with all the art forms, that one praise we get, that one head nod, that moment you get casted, that moment you make a team - these little instances are big enough to emotionally override all those sobering thoughts of inadequacy. And while some of us may rarely receive those instances, we work hard regardless, because we know that in some way, regardless of what that reason is, it pays off for us, whether it’s because without dance you feel handicapped, or because you just like to move your body for fun.
And we keep going back for more.
3. On road rage:
Even the most passive person who usually has the hardest time saying ‘no’ gets road rage.
4. On sneaky people:
What you think gets by me probably does not.
That’s all for now. Damn, that was a long post. :)